I couldn’t sleep. I planned to sleep early today, I’ve set the alarm to wake me up at 5, but I couldn’t sleep. I have 5 days an hour until June 28th. I suddenly got a lot of things on my mind.
I thought of my girls, my best friends, my sisters.
I thought of the decisions I’ve made that took me this far.
I thought of things that might happen if I did certain things.
Maybe my life would be easier if I didn’t insist on going to Australia. I wouldn’t have such a big responsibility. I wouldn’t miss my girls this much. But its far too late to think about such things right? The farewell party was held, the clothes were packed, the fee was paid. I’m good to go. For a second I remind myself that this is the thing I’ve always wanted. This is the path to my dream. This is the one thing I believe I was meant to do. Tiny part of me cast doubts. Fearing I wouldn’t be strong enough to battle whatever it is standing in front of me. I may have taken things to easy. I thought leaving would be easy. But as the clock ticks and my time here become less I thought of those I miss. My family, high school (yes! even when it is waaay over) and my friends.
I used to think that I am a 21st century women. I’m a women who knows what she wants, a fighter, a strong character, confident and brave (pretty much like Addison Montgomery, turn on Private Practice if you don’t know who she is).That I’m strong enough to take down whatever it is, no matter how long or how hard it takes. A cold women who believes that “No one can hurt you unless you let them”. I did become that women, since I broke up with my ex three years ago I become a whole different person. They might not realize it but I did change. Now I feel pretty damn vulnerable cause I just cried, I just cried thinking of my girls (I’m pressing super cold spoon on my eyelids at the moment, I don’t wanna wake up looking like I’ve bean beaten).
I miss them so much. Hug them for me.
I’m not sad because I can’t live far away from them, I just want to be sure that they’ll be okay. Okay, it sounded like that depend on me so much but no, they don’t, I don’t think so. I have this mother-y feeling, like I want to make sure that they’re okay.
I’ll miss so bad tonight that it is damn hard to sleep. But, this sadness should go. I don’t wanna leave weeping like a clingy, over emotional girl. I wanna leave happily, pursuing my dreams, believing that I will meet them again. Our memories will be carved in our hearts, unchangeable, strong enough to withstand our distance.
I wanna hold them, one more time and know for sure that I won’t lose them no matter how far I go.
To my sisters, wherever you are, I asked God and his angels to give you my warmest hug.
Tons of hugs and kisses.
